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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
My dress code is business-casualty.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Pickled cat.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.