Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening