A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.