I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?