dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace