The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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If you are reading this then you are reading this
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining