I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
buys donuts instead
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?