3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Bed should get ready for ME
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Tremendous stuff