馃槀馃槀
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he鈥檚 actually 27, and he is a cop.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don鈥檛 know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i鈥檇 accomplish more
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent鈥檚 weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Kid: There鈥檚 a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood