Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Bless you
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I can’t wait!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.