Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.