DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Aaaa…CHOO!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.