As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sunday
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times