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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”