[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.