A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Very good news from my accountant
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.