Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”