Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.