Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The old gods are rising again.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.