This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.