Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.