“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.