My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
some cats are just doing for fun!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.