Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Sunday
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.