“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.