[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life