You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes