If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You Might Also Like
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery