My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.