How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential