Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
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A pool table
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…