did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.