ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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barbara was highly relatable
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.