DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I have so many questions.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.