My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
road rage
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on