[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..