it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I never needed anything more in my life
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?