Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.