marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
the simulation is moving too fast
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.