Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Friday
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.