My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
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Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT鈥橲 A LION!
ME: I wouldn鈥檛 yell around Roarschach
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn鈥檛 even close to five seconds鈥ou can still eat that
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I鈥檒l bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
You know you鈥檙e married if you鈥檝e ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.