My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Cardio Made Easy
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.