When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.