I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
dutch is not a serious language
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅