The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
saw this in a dream
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.