Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch