microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me