A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.