{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there