saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night